It's Hard to Say, "I'm Sorry"

I recently read an article from a BYU Devotional.  It's called, "Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage," by Rick Miller.  Don't let the title throw you.  It should actually be called, "How to Say I'm Sorry" and is valid for every person and every relationship.

Dr. Miller boils it down to a few points.  1) Say what you're sorry about in complete sentences.  2) Admit you were wrong, offensive, out-of-line, etc.  3) Don't include any kind of excuse or justification. 4) Repeat as often as needed, never demanding forgiveness--remember, you were the one who made the mistake.

As I see it, there are three different ways to approach another person when you've made a mistake.

1.  The Non-apology Apology.

This is characterized by saying something like, "I'm so sorry you were offended."  It sounds like an apology because it does include the words "I'm sorry," but those who use this method aren't fooling anyone.  In this apology, not only does the wrong-doer exempt themselves from all responsibility, but it also foists all responsibility to the offended party.  In this way, the one giving offense now places themselves in the role of the victim of the person who took offense.  Effectively they are saying, "Here we were having this conversation and now you're offended and I didn't even do anything!  How rude of you to get offended!" This type of person lacks introspection and is fixed on being right rather than making things right.

2.  The Justification Apology

This is the ever present, "I'm sorry, but..." This is an actual apology, or at least a good attempt at one.  These people can at least see that they did something wrong and have the courage to admit it.  But they also see WHY they did things wrong and want the excuses that comfort them to somehow comfort those they have wronged.  They may go on to explain that they were stressed, tired, hungry, sick, etc.  Something is added that softens their level of responsibility.  They admit they made a mistake, but they were not completely responsible for their actions because of some extenuating circumstance.

This is probably the type of apology most of us make, yet we don't really like this either.  As the offended party, we often react to this kind of apology thinking, "I don't care how (stressed, tired, hungry, or sick) you were.  That doesn't excuse your behavior."  And they're right.  It doesn't.

This brings us to our third and most ideal apology.

3.  The Real Humble Apology

In this apology we take full responsibility for our actions.  We state what we did wrong in complete sentences.  In Dr. Miller's talk he uses, "I'm sorry that I didn't do the dishes last night like I agreed to."  Just a quick, "Hey, I need to say sorry" isn't enough.  The person should explain what they did without re-harming the individual.  You don't need to say, "I'm sorry for calling you a jerk."  But you could say, "I realized that I was out-of-line in my comments yesterday.  I'm sorry for the offensive things I said."  It is important that you don't interject any form a justification, excuse, reasoning, etc.

This kind of apology takes a lot of humility and a lot of courage.  You walk out on a limb and say that you were wrong and you're really sorry--then you stand there.  You're done.  It's actually much quicker to apologize this way!  But you also have to finish.  You don't know how the person will react.  They might be deeply hurt or still angry.  And you are left with no excuses or blame to hang on to.

In an ideal world, they'll frankly forgive you.  But sometimes, when people are deeply hurt, they may lash out.  They may say things like, "You always do that.  You'll never change.  Why are you so rude?" or a myriad of other things.  If you start blaming them, you've just switched from a real apology to a fake one.  If you start justifying your behavior, then it's turned into apology number 2.  It's incredibly hard to remain humble in the face of a counterattack, but if you want to complete the Real Humble Apology, remaining humble is what you must do.

To give this kind of apology takes a high level of introspection and a good deal of practice.  As you try to apologize in a real way, you will notice excuses creeping in.  Practice your apology before you give it.  Write it down if you need to.  Look at it critically for excuses or justification and then take those out.  Prep yourself for their possible bad reaction.  Commit to taking whatever they dish.  This is sometimes called sweeping your side of the street.  If they want their side of the street cluttered and dirty, that's their prerogative.  Don't try and correct them.  Focus on your side of the street only.  And always pray for Divine assistance to help you as you apologize.  If you are in tune with the Spirit, your utterance will be stopped if you start to blame or justify and you will be fortified to withstand any reaction.

The reality is that repentance is very sweet.  And it's something that each of us needs on a daily basis.  I feel most sorry for those who dish out only non-apologies, hoping that if they bring to God a life free of repentance, that He will be overjoyed that they never needed or used His Son's Atonement.  I think they will be sad when they learn that the Atonement is a gift to be used not to be kept in a box somewhere until resurrection.  It will only prove that they never truly understood the Atonement or all that it could do for them.  For me, I want the gift of Atonement used over and over again in my life.  Every day.

One of the best things about the Atonement is that it is a gift made of love, so no matter how much you use it, it never wears out.  In fact, this individual Gift become more beautiful with use.

Why I Have a Problem

I  haven't been posting about my organizing experiences.  This is partly because I'm so busy organizing I hardly have time to post.  The other part is because it's not at all what I expected it to be.

See, I thought in 3-4 three-hour sessions I'd have three areas of my house completely organized.  This could happen in 2-3 weeks and wa-la!  I'm organized.  Naturally it hasn't gone like that AT ALL.  

This organizing stuff takes a lot more time than I thought, even when you have hired professional help.  The other thing is, I think my house is in...um...a larger disarray than most.

I'm fearful of getting rid of stuff because, you know, what if I need it?

Thus it's taken me A LONG TIME to sort through everything, because I have to get rid of A LOT of stuff.  A LOT.

To give you an idea, I'll show you my next project--socks.  V has asked me to get every sock in the house clean.  Just the socks, then match them all and throw away all non-matches.  Sounds easy enough, right?  I've been working on getting all of the socks clean for 6 days now.  

And I have this box.

Plus this bin.

Plus this laundry basket of dirty socks. 

For 7 of us.  Scroll up and down a bit. 

Take it in.  

A fruit box, plus a three-quarters full 42 qt bin AND a half-full laundry basket. 

For 7 people.

And that's just one type of clothing.  Imagine the other clothes, papers, etc.  Organizing my house is definitely not a small project.

After throwing away all non-matches, socks with holes or especially thin socks, we have as a family approximately 150 pairs of matched socks.  Emma scores the fewest with only 15 pairs of socks and Wendell the most keeping 38 pairs.  Can you guess who does the most shopping for socks in our family?  

Glen Ricks Photography

I figure that it's high time to update the family picture since the old one was from a year and a half ago when Nathan got baptized.

For all of those who didn't get Christmas cards (that's everyone--still working on that) this is our new family picture.

We used Glen Ricks Photography.  Glen has been our family photographer since my older sister, Christy, got married.  He did all my wedding photos and has been taking family pictures of my family every two years thereafter.  To say that he's fantastic is something of an understatement.

Thanks Glen!

Medical Update (And Other Stuff that Crosses My Mind)

Nate's labs turned out great.
We increased his meds 50%.
Now he has to go to the bathroom ALL THE TIME.
I called his teacher today and asked her to get him out of class and to the bathroom no less than hourly and let her know that every 30 minutes would not be too soon.
Nate forgets his morning meds regularly.

Beck saw Dr. Two and got a clean bill of health on his retinas.
Since both girls were affected by age 4 and Beck is not, he will only get checked annually until age 8.  (Nathan was affected by 7.5.)

Beck came shopping with me for skirts.
Dress Barn gave him a coloring book and he sat outside my dressing room and gave me a thumbs up if he liked the outfit, thumbs to the side if he kinda liked it and thumbs down if it was bad.
We agreed surprisingly often and Wendell thinks I'm taking fashion advice from a 4-year-old boy.

Anson broke his finger at basketball practice.
We've put it in a splint and I'm going to beg the doctor to let him practice the piano starting in 2 weeks instead of the 4 weeks the on-call doc recommended.

For Valentines (weekend) Wendell took me to a dinner show with Jon Schmidt in concert.  We bought CD's after and I got to tell him how Annika (5.5) learned to sight-read music with his sight-reading book.  On the real Valentine's, we had dinner with the kids, gave them stuffed animals and little bags of chocolate. Then Wendell and I went to the temple.
Best Valentine's ever.
(PS the temple isn't very busy on Valentines...)

Middle Child (Guest Post by Anson age 11)

You may have heard about being born first or last and it being great but what about the middle? It can sure stink, like this occasion.

            One night my mom said I had to babysit the little two and Nathan, I had been doing pretty well and I was about to turn on the BYU game when my sister Emma stepped in the door, she casually walked down the stairs, took the remote, called the little two in, and over, and over turned on Deigo, Dora, The Backyardigans (which wasn’t half bad), Team Umizumi, and then finally, finally gave me the remote back, put the little kids to bed and then finally stuck her nose where it belonged, a book. So I was, for the second time, going to turn on the BYU game, when my mom and dad stepped in took the remote from me and told me to go to bed.           

            Being a middle child can be bad for me because I have to share a room, I get fewer privileges, and I have more chores. Why it’s bad too share a room for me is Nathan makes messes and doesn’t pick them up which is super annoying like the one time he turned our room super messy when we were smaller. Fifty percent of the time, he won’t listen to me and when he’s mad, Nate talks negatively about himself. (And I’m not even going to go there.) He sometimes makes noises at night so it is hard to sleep like one time he talked for 2 hours and I couldn’t fall asleep.

            Another reason why it’s bad being a middle child is you get fewer privileges than the oldest like you have to go to bed earlier than the oldest, and Emma’s play dates are making cool stuff and going mini golfing and other fun places, when mine are playing board games and stuff. While I have to share a room, Emma gets her own and doesn’t have to share because she’s the oldest. Emma can make up fake excuses to get out of doing chores while I just do mine which is so cheap and unfair.

            My last reason why being a middle child is bad is I get more chores because when I don’t have projects I get done with my homework, piano and chores fast so I can hopefully play with my friends, but my mom can almost always think of other chores that need to be done like the kitchen floor swept, and the upstairs bathroom scrubbed, the garbage taken out, etc. And because Nathan is slow at homework and Emma has a lot, I get more chores than both of them.

            Those three reasons are why being a middle child is bad.  I have to share my room with my brother Nathan. I get fewer privileges like staying up late with my mom and dad to play games like Sorry. I get more chores like taking out the trash.

            On the other hand, there are some things about me being middle child that are awesome like the fact that I’m the oldest boy, I know the best hiding places and can hide from any one. Because I do more chores I get more money, and sharing a room isn’t that bad considering you can set up an army base with your brother and do “Mission Destroy the Alien Sister” or “Evil Doctor Fudge the Teddy Bear.”

            So I guess there are some pros and cons of being a middle child/2^nd child out of 5.

            Pros: Nathan, the 3rd out of 5 children, appreciates you and thinks you are awesome.

Cons: You have to share a room, you get fewer privileges, and you have more chores.

                  

Organizing Week

On Tuesday, V came over and I burst into tears as predicted.  However, she was very sweet and even complementary.  As she looked at my house she would say things like, "This is great."  "What a good system you've started here."  and "You've really worked at this haven't you?"

I have.  I have read the books, I have watched the shows and I have purged and purged and I still can't seem to control THE STUFF.  But I am on my way now and I'm pretty stoked about it.

Highlights from what I learned this week.

1.  You can't organize a space until you have enough room to organize it in.  Example:  My bedroom.  V told us, "You guys have done great things to maximize this space, but you need more room.  We can't start to organize your room until you either have a second dresser or a wall unit."  We opted for the second dresser.  We found a great one on KSL in three days.

2.  You need a lot of bins.  A lot.  I am now the proud owner of 16 large bins, 13 shoe box size and 9 in-between-those size bins.  And that's just for starts.  V would love it if I had 20, 20 and 15.

3.  You need to label everything.  EVERYTHING.  Heck, I've even labeled my label maker box. (Grinning.)  But suddenly the kids can put their clothes away because they know right where underwear, socks, shirts and pants go as well as those once-a-week things like scout shirts, Sunday clothes, and basketball jerseys.

V says, (you're going to hear this a lot) "Most people stop organizing at the labeling.  They feel done and they want to move on.  Don't do it.  Finish the project.  Label everything."

4. Your premium space is anywhere in your house that hits you from the crown of your head to the top of your hip.  Put the stuff you need most IN THAT SPACE.  So swimsuits, jerseys, etc.  They get a low drawer in the dresser, not one of the top three.  (The #2 space is from your hip to your knee.  #3--I think--is from your knee to the floor and #4 is from the top of your head up.)

5.  Organize where you use things.  I have tried over and over to use my hall closet as a linen closet with no success.  So when we're in the laundry room, V asks, "Where do you keep your sheets?"

"Here," I say gesturing to a jumbled mess in the bottom to shelves of a shelving unit in the laundry room.

"Great!" she says enthusiastically and completely undaunted, "Let's get some bins and sort them and label them."

I am, therefore, the proud owner of three sheet containers labeled Boys Sheets, Girls Sheets and King Sheets.  (Actually it only says, "Girl Sheet" cuz I messed up in the label maker, but you get the idea.)

6. Follow the 80/20 rule.  You know, you wear 20% of your clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc. 80% of the time.  Get rid of (purge) the bottom 50% of what you don't use.

There's so much more, but I'll try to give you the highlight with after pictures.  (Wink.)

Not Good News for Nate

I didn't post at all about my kids' appointment with the retinal specialist two months ago.  Partly, because I figured if I didn't put it in writing then maybe it's not really happening.

But it is.  And we could use some prayers.  Nathan is not responding to the diuretic as well as the girls.  His right eye, which is his good eye, is kinda responding.  It seemed to show some improvement at the last visit, two months ago and is essentially holding steady (though maybe slightly worse) since last time.

Nate's left eye we are losing.  In two months his vision had dropped from 20/30 to 20/35.  And because we aren't seeing notable improvement in Nate's right eye...I feel nervous.  I came home from the retinal appointment yesterday and had myself a little cry.  I don't want to watch my child go blind.  But I also know that this is--big time--in the Lord's hands.

Our next step for Nate is to get a basic metabolic panel and see how bad the side effects of the meds are.  You see Nate is on the same dose as Emma.  So physically there's a big difference.  (Emma's 5' 6" and Nate's more like 4' 6".)

Two months ago, we bumped Nate up to Emma's dose.  Now, if his body can handle it, we'll bump him up again.  If his body can't handle more of that, we'll have to try the injections in the eye that Emma got at the beginning, you know the ones that cost between $200-$2500 depending on whether it's name-brand or generic.

So we will do what we can and leave the rest to the Lord.

Why I'm Terrified

The professional organizer is coming over on Tuesday.  I'm scared out of my wits about it.  I can't just get the living room, kitchen and bathroom "reasonably" tidy and call it quits.  She's going to see THE WHOLE HOUSE.

Per my request, we are starting on my bedroom.  This is for two main reasons.  1) The bedroom becomes the dumping ground when I'm cleaning in a hurry and/or to keep things away from the kids.  2) Because I think it should be an example to the kids and a sanctuary for me.  How can I tell the kids to clean their rooms when mine isn't?  And how can I get mad if they don't obey me?

I have to lead by example.  So that's where we'll start.

My professional organizer, let's call her "V," has given me a couple of assignments.  The first is to take everything out of my bedroom that doesn't belong there and stick it, whatever it is, in the room it should be in.  The second is to take pictures of every wall and detailed pictures of the closet.  Third, I'm to empty some of those big plastic bins, you know, the kind with lids.  I use those to hold my clean laundry before it's folded and put away.  Well I have to empty at least three of them to help in the sorting process.  So I'm doing laundry like crazy.

I've warned her that I may start bawling when she comes over.  She thinks that it's because I'll have a hard time letting go of things.  It's not.  (Well, I may have a hard time, but that's not my primary concern.)  It's because I'm deeply embarrassed to have someone see how I really live.

Figuring It Out

So, it didn't really take me that long, once I'd had my whining session, to figure out how to track my goals for this year.

I have a few rules for myself.  Even though I can think of about a jillion things that I've been putting off doing, I can only display 5 on my sidebar at a time.  I have to get at least one done before another can go on the list.

Next, I'm going to count organization success in drawers, shelves, closets and rooms.

Those are the rules.  I think I can follow them and have some success this year.

To 2012!  (Followed by sounds of clinking cups that are full of Martinelli's Sparkling Apple Cider.)

2012 Goals or Mumbling

Many years as I've begun the New Year--I know.  I know exactly what I want to accomplish this year.  But this year is hazy.

I'll be finishing up being PTA President this year, after that, I want to slow down a bit.  I'd love to apply for Graduate School in 2014.  To prepare for that I need to take a GRE course and practice tests and see if I need to take a couple classes to get those all important references (or will my PTA work do.)

But I don't want to do any of that until after my term as PTA Pres is done.  So it's this year-ish, but that could really bleed into next year and is hard to measure on my sidebar.

I want to get organized.  This has been my goal every year for so long that I can't even remember when I started writing it down.  But I'm determined this year.  I'm hiring a professional organizer to help me.  Seriously.  I really hope it works and it sticks.  But, again how does one measure "getting organized"?

I can keep my Book of Mormon count going.  I could keep my temple count going, too.  Though I don't feel a real need to change either of these goals.  I perfectly content with where I am with these.

I've been thinking about trying to tackle "things I've been putting off that I really need to do".  I have many and varied of these.  Everything from getting out Christmas cards (for last year) to getting Nathan a cub scout belt for all those belt loops.  (Nate's 9.5, so he's half way done with cubs.  And he has a belt, but it's too big.  And I can't find it to exchange it, so after more than a year since I've seen the belt, I just need to bite the bullet and buy a new one.)

How many of these should I try to accomplish? How do I track it?

And, of course I need to lose weight--this year more desperately than in year's past.  But I think putting it on my sidebar jinxed me.  That and quitting Weight Watchers. So I'm not going to publicly track that, because it undoes me.

So here I am again.  Mumbling and thinking and not sure how to go forward.

The Thing About Goals

It started a few years ago when I realized that I rarely read books and I set a goal to read some.

And I couldn't quit.

Year after year I've been posting goals on my side bar with surprising good results (or at least surprisingly good justifications). 

Publicly setting and reporting on my goals has been one of the single best things I've done each year.

So here is my final report for the goals of 2011.

1. Do 9 homework lessons.  Yeah!  I did it!  Not only did I finish the 9 remaining lesson, I started over again and did one additional lesson.

2.  Read 12 sessions of General Conference. I just finished last week reading the last article for my General Conference goal.  It has been incredible and enriching.  I need something different for this new year, but I commit to keep my GC reading up.

3. Make 18 Temple Trips.   I made 21 temple trips in 2011 including one on Dec 31st that got me home 4 hours after I left.  (Note to self:  Don't go to the temple the last day of the year next year...)

4. Lose 12.4 lbs.  I wish I had a good justification for this one.  My original goal was to lose more than 30 lbs this year.  Instead I've gain 20.  Sigh.  Apparently tracking this one on-line is not helpful.

5. Read more of the Book of Mormon.  I started last year on page 158 and I'm ending on 284.  That's similar to the year before when I began on page 30 and ended on page 158.  Seriously.  128 pages in 2010 and 126 pages in 2011.  That's about as close as I can get.  I have accomplished my lame but completely achievable goal of just "reading more."  (This still makes me smile.)

I don't know yet what my goals for 2012 will entail, but I'm very happy about what I accomplished in 2011.  Very.

Almost As Fun As I Thought

Wendell and I took Emma to the temple to do baptisms again.  It was, as the temple always is, a good experience: sweet and peaceful.  As Emma and I combed out our hair after our baptisms we chatted with another temple goer.  She had brought family names to the temple as had I.  But it was our first time with our own names and it was amazing.

I gestured toward Emma as I had been explaining about the names and said,"And this is my 12-year-old daughter, Emma."

The woman looked startled and said things like, "No way.  You're too young.  You can't be her mother!"  All of which I appreciated.  I said things like, "You're too kind," in return.

"Yes," I went on, "my husband and I have 5 children and she's the oldest."  Emma then proceeded to list her siblings.

The woman joked, "Gosh, what did you do?  Start when you were 15?"

"Yeah," I joked back, "I started when I was 15."

She almost got whiplash as quickly as she turned to look at me.  "You did?!?" she exclaimed.

I chuckled until I realized she was serious.  "No," I said totally blowing my cover, "I was almost 23 when  I had her."

Although it was fun to be mistaken as Emma's sister, friend or roommate, it was not as fun to have someone make the next leap in which she thought I had been a teen mother.

Thoughts on Tragedy

Wendell and I mark our favorite websites in different places on the computer.  As near as I can tell, he never looks at my extensive lists in the "Bookmarks Menu" and I ignore his little words that go underneath the URL.  Until yesterday.

The site said, "On the Wing...y everyone."  I'm everyone and so I put the mouse over that name.  It said, "kelseaandsavvy.blogspot."  I like the Savvy Shopper site and wondered if this was similar.  It wasn't.  It was a blog about the girls who were killed on the train tracks, here in Utah a week or so ago. (Find the story here.)

The blog was set up, I'm assuming, to post the medical progress of the younger sister who survived the initial accident.  But just a couple of days later, she succumbed to her injuries and passed away.  So the blog is brief, comprised of just a few posts.

One post is called, "Don't Judge Me" and it address the obvious issues of "what were they thinking?"  The sister's mother writes, "Playing on train tracks sounds like a silly thing to do, but not to these girls.
It was a beautiful, fall day in the canyon, the leaves were starting to change colors, the sun was getting ready to set and the three muskuteers had their camera in hand.  Only a few minutes prior to the accident Savannah had posted a message on her Facebook sharing the fun she was having."

It was naive, to be sure, playing around active train tracks of fast moving trains.  It was, but one foolish decision made by teenagers.  (Surely, none of us ever did anything that foolish in our teens, right?)  This one decision cost these girls their lives, but one could hardly say that they deserved what they got.

Their mother believes that the girls were not on the tracks themselves, but in the 3 foot space between the tracks.  What they didn't know, because they were teenagers, was that the force of the wind coming from the fast moving trains would be enough to blow them into the train's path.

The mother addresses some of the what if's that only serve to drive the bereaved crazy. Then says this, "We can spend every day of our lives hiding in our homes, hoping to avoid [tragedy and] heartache, but when it come[s] down to it what we'll [lose] is the opportunity to experience this beautiful life that God has blessed us with."

I think that is wise.  We can live in fear every time a loved one leaves our sight that something bad might happen.  Or we can press forward, putting our own lives and the lives of our loved ones in God's hands.  We can choose faith that no matter what the future holds, God is already there, waiting for us, loving us, helping us through whatever trials come our way.

Riding the Edge

"What kind of music do you listen to?" I was asked the other day.  Sheepishly, I admitted that I loved contemporary Christian music. The person I was talking to spoke about their new favorite musical genre and mentioned individual artists that could only be euphemistically labeled as "edgy."

So I quickly backpedaled and started listing the genres and radio stations that I used to listen to, because they were "edgier" than the music I now like.  I spoke about them with a sense of pride.  Like, back in the day when I was such a rebel.

Why do we do that?  As Mormons and Christians, why do we sometimes pride ourselves on our ability to walk the line without falling over it.  Our media consumption becomes "edgy" as we try to put our foot as far as we can into the "great and spacious building" without officially wandering off the "straight and narrow path."  We listen to music, watch movies and TV shows that cannot, by nearly anyone's standards, be categorized as edifying, then we feel a weird sense of pride in it. (At least, I did.)

"See," we say to ourselves," I can handle this (music, movie, TV show). I'm still a good Mormon." I used to say, in jest, that I had to have some kind of sin or otherwise I'd be translated.  Listening to alternative rock was keeping me on the planet.  Plus, it wasn't that big of a deal.

I am reminded of the story of the stage coach drivers.  You know, the one where the employer asks potential hires how close they can drive to the edge of a cliff.  One by one they brag about how far they can drive over the edge without falling, each trying to out do the other, expect the one guy.  He doesn't know how close he can come to the edge because he stays as far from the edge as possible.

We all nod and think how wise that guy is.  And of course he's the one who gets hired.  What they don't tell you is how the other stage coach drivers roll their eyes, mock, and think the he's lame.

I don't watch TV anymore.  Almost never.  The last "show" I watched was more than a week ago and it was BYU game.  I rarely watch movies and favor family shows and old classics, when I do.  And I don't listen to anything other than Christian radio.

I'm not bragging.  There's no element of pride in becoming the "insipid" type that I used to mock.  These are simply my defenses that help me battle my personal demons.  Nothing more or less.  I've written about forks in the road before.  And how I had one.  Sure, I tried for a while to be "normal," watching the same movies, TV shows and listening to alternative rock music.  But it made me crazy.  Literal run-to-the-doctor-for-meds brand of crazy.

So I don't ride the edge anymore.  I can't. And you know what? I don't miss it.  I always have been afraid of heights.

Clutz

I fell down in Las Vegas.  It's a whole long story about how every floor in Vegas in marbled and even their sidewalks are buffed and painted.  Now everyone knows that it doesn't rain in Vegas, right?  Never.  It's hot at Hades, probably because the devil lives there. Right?

So I was caught very unawares when a friend and I found ourselves in a rainstorm on marbled tiles wearing flip flops.  (My friend and I were wearing the flip flops, not the tiles.) To minimize our treacherous walk home we cut through one casino and when we got through the other side I slipped on marble tile and fell over and hit my knee.  That was 2.5 weeks ago.  And my knee still hurts.

Not the inside mind you, it was only a flesh wound, but the knee cap itself is seriously messed up.  I finally started favoring that knee--not kneeling on it, etc.  And it was getting better.  Almost normal.  Then yesterday I hit THAT knee cap on the very corner of a piano bench. And I'm starting over again, favoring the knee, being careful.

So today I slammed my middle two fingers of my right hand in the car door.  Now I have so many bruised and injured parts I don't even know what to do.

Quitter

You can't quit a job when you don't have one.  But it doesn't stop you from pursuing a "dream job," does it?  The book, Quitter, by Jon Acuff is a good one.  Really, it attacks all of the reasons that people (this may or may not be applicable to me) use to not pursue a dream.

His #1 point, "Keep your day job" is especially easy for me because my day job is to be a mom.  And I'm not quitting that no matter what.

I don't know if it was the next point in the book or not, but it was the next "biggy" that I got, which is--you must pursue your job around your other obligations.  Unlike the author of Eat, Pray, Love, we're not getting paid to travel around spending months in secluded areas and write about our experiences.  (In defense of the EPL author, I have never read her book, but I did see her twice on Oprah.)  We have spouses, children, bills.  We have to decide how to do what we love around and with who we love.

There's plenty more that I want to say, but 1) I have not yet finished the book and 2) Wendell is waiting for me to come to bed.

Quote of the Day

"When love becomes our guiding principle in our care for others, our service to them becomes the gospel in action.  It is the gospel in its finest moment.  It is pure religion."
--Silvia H. Allred, "The Essence of Discipleship," Ensign May 2011

General Conference

One of my favorite things in all the world is the Biannual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It is awesome and inspiring.  And flat out fun to sit at home for church, even if I am "going" to 8 hours of church in 2 days.

It was a little over a year ago that I began to truly understand the importance of these meetings.  And not just the meetings themselves, because I really think I got that, but the messages from the meetings that come as a special edition of the Ensign magazine.  These are the words of prophets and apostles on the earth today!  Trials in my life at that time seemingly drove me to the magazine and the messages, which I had never really studied before.

Now I was pouring over the messages, underlining things that were important to me and rewriting them in a journal I started for that express purpose.  One year and two months later, my journal is full.  And my hand is tired.

But I still want to record the messages that mean the most to me.  I've wrestled with how to do it.  It was Pres. Uchtdorf who helped me decide.  He said, "Perhaps the Lord's encouragement to 'open [your] mouths' might today include 'use your hands' to blog and text message the gospel to all the world!"

Therefore, I will very inconsistently, though occasionally, have a feature where I share my favorite quotes from a favorite General Conference talk.  Ta-da!  Aren't you all excited?

And, since I'm here, there's no time like the present.

I LOVED the talk, "More Than Conquerors through Him That Loved Us" by Elder Paul V. Johnson.  I have an almost ridiculous amount of favorite quotes.  So, as I was wrapping up my journal, I couldn't fit them all for lack of space.  Here are the ones I couldn't squeeze in the final pages of my quote journal.

"Time after time we see marvelous blessings on the heels of great trials."

"No chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby."  --Hebrews 12:11

"Our personal journey through life will provide just the right amount [of trials] for our needs."

"Sometimes we want to have growth without challenges and to develop strength without any struggle.  But growth cannot come by taking the easy way.  We clearly understand that an athlete who resists rigorous training will never become a world-class athlete.  We must be careful that we don't resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature."

Where Were You?

I was in bed, happy to be sleeping in, on Sept 11, 2001.  It was Wendell's day off, so he was up with our two small children, Emma (2) and Anson (10 months).  I awoke grumpy and abruptly as Wendell shook me awake with urgency.

"What?" I snapped.

"I'm sorry to wake you, but a tower in New York City has just been hit by an airplane."

We couldn't afford cable and we couldn't get any reception with an antenna.  The only channel that did come in, was a very snowy Fox 13.  I remember thinking it was weird that Wendell even had the TV on, to this day, I don't know why he did.  As I stumbled into the living room, the second plane hit the second tower.  It was evident, this was an attack.  Who was attacking us and how they commandeered commercial planes, would take time to find out.  To a degree, it was moot.

Wendell and I sat on our couch and watched in horror as the towers went down, knowing they were full of people.  Knowing those people were dying right before our eyes.  I clasped my hand over my mouth, unable to voice anything.  We watched the people run through the streets from clouds of dust and debris as the Twin Towers went down.

We wanted so much more than our snowy coverage could provide, so we quickly dressed, packed up the kids and went to Wendell's parent's home to watch the news.  Today Emma and Anson asked what they were doing.  I don't have any real recollection.  I don't remember eating anything that day, either, though I'm sure we did.

I just remember the news.  A plane hit the pentagon.  The President was safe.  The President had been moved and was constantly being moved.  All planes were being grounded.  Another plane went down in Pennsylvania.

In the days and weeks that followed, I was touched by so many stories. Stories of heroism and valor. There is one that I will never forget.  A young couple with two small children were preparing their kids for the death of a parent.  Their mother had cancer and only had weeks left to live.  Though, he didn't usually work there, on Sept 11, this father was in one of the upper floors, laying tile, part of a crew remodeling a business suite.

As his family watched the news coverage, the young mother was unconsolable.  She knew her husband was dead.  And in weeks, her children were orphans.  Though I don't know his name, today I honor this man, who went to work, just like any other day, and never came home.

It is a day I will never forget.

Intuitive Eating: The Next Steps

The next chapter the dietician recommended reading was Chapter 7 Making Peace with Food.  The essence of this is that you can eat any food you want.  Really. I know that they hit that in Chapter 10, where I began, but it was a review of this chapter, which, obviously, came first.

After that, the dietician said to read chapter 5 which is about ditching dieting.  It sites a lot of studies demonstrating that diets don't work and, in fact, contribute to them problem.  (We feel we must obey a set of rules rather than listening to what our body wants.)

They said we should get rid of the scale.  I haven't.  In fact, I weigh myself almost everyday.  So I'll get on one day and be like, "Yea!  This is working!  I'm losing weight!"  and two days later I gasping in horror as I think, "I'm 0.6 lbs away from THAT NUMBER.  The number I swore I'd never be again.  The number I kissed good bye.  Oh.  Freak.  What am I doing?"

The book says not to count calories, carbs, or follow some kind of ridged guideline because that invariably backfires.  Eventually, we break the "rules" and after that, who cares?!?  They have studies that talk about that too.

Of course, me, I'm still going to Weight Watchers.  But I'm becoming more skeptical.  I think, "Are cookies really the enemy?"  Or as members talk about how WW works as long as you work it and that they just struggle with "will power," I think, "There was a study that should that people with tremendous will power still couldn't stick with diets and will power had nothing to do with it."

I have prepaid for two more weeks.  I thought I'd keep doing this and keep going and keep weighing myself until it turned around.  Surely I can over come all my "stuff" and start losing weight in 5 weeks, right?

Wrong.  This week I'm up 3.6.  That's the most I've gained in a single week in quite a while.  And I've been eating like it.  I can't remember the last time I bought sausage.  It's probably been more than a decade. It's been months since I've had bacon in the house and I could go a year or more without baking even a single batch of chocolate chip cookies.

And I've done it all.  It's been very...freeing.  But, unfortunately, also very fattening.

This post by a friend of mine has me thinking even more.

Holding Steady

Beck had his semi-annual appointment with the retinal specialist today.

On Emma's, Nathan's and Annika's imaging, there's this big spot in the back of their eye.  In the middle of that is a white blip where their retinal is pulling away from the back of their eye.

Beck has no fluid under his retina--no white blip.  But he has that big spot.  This is why we're watching him.

Technically, his retina had an increase in thickness of two micrograms.  This is a very insignificant amount.

"It could be," Dr. Two told me, "just the difference in how well he was holding still between last time and this time."

So we've been cleared for six more months. But looking at his scans I feel quite sure that it's just a matter of time....

Intuitive Eating: Satisfaction Factor

Let me just say that this road to learning to intuitively eat is one of the most fascinating and frightening ventures I've had.  Thus far I've gained 3.4 lbs, which has, unfortunately, returned me to my start of the year weight plus 1.6 lbs.

That's depressing.  I can feel that I'm getting a bigger "spare tire" around my middle.  My pants are tighter and my tops have more to cling to.  Part of me wants to throw in the towel and say, "Never mind.  I'm going back to Weight Watchers."

But even as much as I want to share my "testimony" that WW works, I can attest that it hasn't for me.  12 years after starting, I weigh about 1 pound less than when I began.  So, I remind myself that it doesn't work and didn't work for me and that I'm willing to try intuitive eating, even if that means I'm gaining weight while I learn.

So, Chapter 10, where this dietician recommended that I start reading in the book, Intuitive Eating, is all about satisfaction.  The point of this chapter teaches:

1) Eat what you like or you won't be satisfied.  Eating rice cakes when you want chips or WW desserts when you want cornbread, nearly always leads to eating too many calories because you're not satisfied by what you're eating.

2) Take time to figure out what you like and don't eat what you don't like.  If you put a bit of food in your mouth and you don't like the food, toss it and get yourself what you really want.

3) Savor the food you love. Create a great eating environment.  Plate your food beautifully.  Eat slowly and enjoy!

4) Keep a variety of foods in your house.  You should have access to soups, pastas, fruits, veggies, proteins and even cookies.  You never know what you'll want to eat.  Chances are if you have a variety of foods in your house, you'll find something that will satisfy your hunger.

5) Stop eating when a food stops tasting good.  As we eat and our hunger is satisfied, foods tend to taste less yummy.  Checking in while we're eating and figuring out if we still satisfied by the food is critical.  Because we can eat ANY food, we can have that food again so it should be less traumatic to toss the food.

I reviewed this chapter because, although I'm doing some things right, I know, by my weight gain, that I'm doing some things wrong, acting instinctively from years of depravation.

I can check #1 off.  I'm doing great at that one.  As we speak I have granola bars and cashews in my house, both previously "off limit" foods for me.

I'm improving at #2.  Last week we took the kids to eat out at a mom and pop burger place because we've become acquainted with the owners.  What I ordered was very mediocre.  So when I got my shake and it was as disappointing as the meal was, I tossed it and later that night bought a shake I do like from a place that makes good shakes.

#3 I'm terrible at.  My kitchen is cramped.  The counter is cluttered and it's rare for me to get even one meal day that I can fix my food the way I want and really, really savor it.  During the school year, that meal is lunch.  Most of the time, I tend to eat on my feet while fixing food for others.  Sometimes I eat a complete meal and I barely recognize that I've eaten it.  Then I crave desserts, something I usually eat slowly and linger over after the kids are done with their meal or after they've gone to bed.  I'm starting to realize that what I really crave is the lingering, not the dessert.

I'm doing better at #4, but it frightens me.  Still, for the sake of the advice, I've tried to buy more things and pay better attention to whether or not I want to eat them.

#5, I'm terrible at.  Deep down I know there's a limit--that I'll go back to WW or some other kind of weight loss program and I won't be able to eat those foods again.  So I better get them while the getting is good.   The truth is, I've only half bought in.  I want to try it, but only if it's going to make me lose weight.  Then I think, "No!  I'm in no matter what.  I gave WW 12 years, surely I can give this a year."  Then I chicken out.  I worry.  I obsess.  I watch the scale creep up.

But I want to give this a shot.  I can incorporate good things I learned at WW, like the results on the scale are feedback and not failure.  Still, as I adjust my too-tight pants and try to uncling my shirt, I hem and haw fighting with myself as those cartoon characters do with the angels and devils atop their shoulders.  And I wonder who will win.

Confessional

Awhile back I read through the Babble top 50 bloggers.  One of the things that pushed people to the top spots was how confessional the blogs were.  The more confessional--the higher the rating.  One of the bloggers, a self-proclaimed, "recovering" Mormon, had lost her job because she was so...I'm sure she'd use the word candid.

There are times I wish I could be.  That I could just lay it all out with no hint of pretense.  But that's not really me.  If I could be 100% real--raw, some would call it--and it would effect only me, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  But I can't do it (and I can't imagine anyone who could) without hurting someone else.

If I tell you all my stuff about the kids--and I'd like to--it could hurt them.  This is a public blog after all.  Some acquaintance's parent or sibling or even the child themselves, could, I suppose, stumble on this blog and then if there is some sort of incriminating statement, harm my child with my own words.

Sometimes it seems like it would be nice to just air marital issues.  Because I'm sure loads of us have similar feelings about our spouses.  But, again, I have trouble imagining that helping anyone's marriage, mine included.

There are times that I have so much I wish I could say, but I'm afraid to say any of it.  I wish there was a filter I could use and allow the blog to be public, but to only those who won't judge me and will keep obviously private things private.  But, of course, that would undo the whole public-access-thing.

I could go private.  But that is the kiss of death to any blog.

So I keep the blog tidy even though life is messy.

One of those days

Today I got yelled at.  

And it wasn't my fault.  

But I'm the PTA Pres.  

Then I got yelled at and it was my fault.  

Because I'm the PTA Pres.  

Two people were snippy with me.  

Four people were grateful.  

I ran late everywhere. 

Emma had a 30 minute appointment that I was 15 minutes late for.  

Because I was on the phone with the assistant principal.  

Because I'm the PTA Pres.

I'm really, really hoping this gets easier as the school year goes on.

But First...

My youngest daughter, Annika, starts Kindergarten in two weeks.  Exactly.  But first, she starts 1st grade.

I know it's a weird way for a kid to go to school, but I think it's going to work out fine.  See, Annika is smart.  Freakishly smart.  Today she read, "And it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken those words, he touched every one of them save it were the three who were to tarry, and then he departed."  (3 Nephi 28:12) The only word she didn't know?  Tarry.  No pausing, no sounding out.  It's hard to believe unless you hear her for yourself.

So one week from today, she'll be going to 1st grade for 1 hour and 15 min.  Literacy time.  I'm hoping it will help her not be so bored in school.  Once Kindergarten starts, she will be going from 1st grade to Kindergarten where she'll be until lunch-time when I get to pick her up and take her home.

And you know what?  She's bummed that she can't go to school any longer.  That she can't eat lunch at school and own a lunch box.  I've told her it's just too darn bad.  She doesn't get to grow up THAT fast.

Intuitive Eating

At the recommendation of a dietician, I've been reading a book called, Intuitive Eating.  This way of eating is, in a word, revolutionary.  Now let me tell you two things.  First, I've been a Weight Watcher member since 1999.  Second, this isn't a joe-shamoe dietician.  She works at an eating disorder clinic and specializes in helping people who have an unhealthy relationship with food. This book, Intuitive Eating, is the basis for their nationally renown program.  I kid you not.

The dietician recommended beginning reading it on Chapter 7.  She feels that this one is a crucial first step.  This chapter gives you permission to eat whatever you want. Cool, no?  Anything.  If you like it, it's allowed.  There is no more "good food"  verses "bad food", it's all just food.  Food shouldn't be moralized.  And this is a big key between intuitive eaters and those of us that diet.  Intuitive eaters don't have foods that are off-limits.

By doing that, nothing becomes binge-worthy.  If you're not saying to yourself, "I CAN'T have this chocolate cake"  then you never get to, "This will be the LAST time I eat chocolate cake"  which, of course, leads to, "Since this is the last time, I'd better eat it while I've got it!"

It's like stepping off a roller coaster that really never was any fun.  The big truth I've learned is, I don't have to eat myself to oblivion since it's the "last time."  I can have (fill in the blank) again.  Anytime I want.

Joy in the Journey Part 6

“Joy is not a stranger to pain,"  Barbara Workman, shared in a talk to missionaries.  "We may not feel deeply enough to know joy unless our hearts have been hollowed out by sorrow.  A heart may not be big enough to know real joy until it has been stretched and pulled by trials and hard things.  In 2 Nephi 2:23 we find this phrase, ‘having no joy for they know no misery.’  Our capacity to feel joy actually increases as we righteously endure our pain.”

Many of you are aware of the difficult news our family received a few months ago when we learned that 3 of our 5 children have a rare eye disorder.  Because of this condition, Emma is blind in her right eye.  During those first few months we watched the scans of Emma’s left eye get worse and worse.  Rather off handedly, the doctors decided to try a different medication for Emma that was cheaper and less invasive than the injections in her eye that she had been receiving.

In a matter of weeks Emma was seeing 20/20 in her left eye again.  We will now start Nathan and Annika on the medication and we feel very optimistic about the prognosis.

I am deeply grateful for the faith and prayers of so many of you on behalf of our children and acknowledge the hand of the Lord in this miracle in our lives.

I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who has given me growth experiences that have been to my everlasting benefit.  I leave you my witness that it is possible to be full of joy even while wading through afflictions.  No matter our individual difficulties, may we strive to find joy in the journey as we come unto Christ. 

Joy in the Journey Part 5

Heavenly Father’s desire that we have joy and His desire that we grow are not mutually exclusive.  We can have joy while we grow if we will, but see his tender mercies around us.

A song called, Blessings, explains it beautifully.

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

I certainly know that to be true in my life—that the trials of my life have been mercies in disguise.  When the Savior told us to come to Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit we must recognize that we will face trials that break our hearts.  Only then can we come to the Master Healer and be made whole.

“Trust in God,” Elder Scott has instructed, “no matter how challenging the circumstance. . . . Your peace of mind, your assurance of answers to vexing problems, your ultimate joy depend on your trust in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.”

Recently, as I have faced trials, I have asked myself, am I willing to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ?

As a youth, I remember memorizing Proverbs 3:5-6 which was our scripture for girls camp that year.  We likely all know it by heart.  “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all they ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Yet how often do we present the Lord with our plan then get frustrated that He won’t follow it.  We tell him what we want, then we tell Him when we want it.  Often we follow that with pacing and worry and wondering why He won’t answer our prayers when we never bothered to ask what we should be praying for.

I remember a particular instance in my life where I felt inspired to take a certain action.  It was not an action that I wanted to take so I decided to negotiate with the Lord.  I committed to use my agency as I had been prompted but only if the Lord committed to never let me feel emotional pain in my life again.

There was no question about the answer—no deal.  But I felt the Spirit whisper, “I cannot promise you that.  I will not control other’s agency.  But I promise to be there for you, to heal you when you hurt, to calm you when you worry, to comfort you when you feel alone.”  And the Lord has kept His promise.

Joy in the Journey Part 4

Even smaller and arguably more mundane problems can be turned to God as well.  A young mother, Winnie Dalley, relates this story.

As I look into the smiling eyes of my infant son and experience the warmth of his vigorous, chubby little body wriggling in my arms, I feel the fulness of the moment and sense a glimmer of eternity.   

The sounds of my feuding preschoolers arouse me from my reverie. “She scratched me!” wails four-year-old Kendra. “She took away my dolly,” cries Brittany, age two. And before I can do anything, Kendra proceeds to bop her younger sister on the head. Soon there is crying, then there are attempts to get even, then more crying.

After pleadings and stern admonitions, I finally manage to placate each party and achieve a cease-fire. I breathe an inner sigh of relief, grateful for some reprieve. Then Brittany begins: “Mommy, I want more cookies.”

“Honey,” I try to explain to her, “you already had a lot of cookies today. You need to eat other food besides cookies to help you grow big and strong. How about some yogurt?”

“No, I don’t want yogurt; I want cookies. I want some, I want some now!” She starts crying ferociously, then screaming and then kicking. It seems impossible to reason with my little two-year-old.

Spencer, the baby, is crying too. He was patiently sitting in his swing, where I had placed him in my efforts to deal with his sisters’ crisis. But now he is no longer content by himself. I hurry over and pick him up. He looks into my eyes, and his pouting mouth slowly curves into a smile. I cannot help but give him a kiss on the cheek.

In the meantime, Brittany’s tantrum is showing no signs of subsiding. Kendra gets up on the couch and starts jumping. “Honey, don’t do that,” I tell her. “You might fall down and get hurt.”

“No I won’t,” she insists, continuing to jump without the least concern.

“Stop jumping right now,” I say, my voice rising.

Nearby in the kitchen, a mound of dirty dishes waits for me in the sink. The laundry is not done, the carpet not vacuumed, the bathroom not scrubbed. Toys are strewn haphazardly all over the living room and kitchen floor. A pile of unpaid bills sits arrogantly on top of the bookcase, exerting silent authority. All of a sudden, the negative aspects of the moment seem to outweigh the positive.

But it is really not so. I remind myself that I need to look beyond the temporal mists and regain my eternal vision of clarity. A house does not have to be perfect to be a home of joy, a child does not have to behave perfectly to love and be loved, and every moment of life does not have to be perfect to be of value.

Heavenly Father wants us to have joy.  But He also cares far more for who we can become than He does about us being comfortable every moment. 

Elder Scott said, “Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.  When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more.  He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.  To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.”

Being part of a family is one of the ways the Lord provides that stretching.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen shares this story about his wife.

During her first pregnancy, Marie was sick—an odd way to be showered with joy. For part of each day for several months, she felt just terrible. It was morning sickness ad nauseum.

Then about four weeks before delivery she threatened to miscarry, which sent her to bed for several days, causing serious complications in the classes she was taking and those she was teaching. But when the big day finally came, even the hours of labor were worth it as she lay there in the hospital bed holding that beautiful baby boy.

Nothing could be more wonderful than this, she thought. Surely the world stops for such a beautiful baby.

The day after the baby was born, she was cuddling him happily in her hospital room when her doctor came in. A plain-spoken man, he looked at them and said cheerily, “How does it feel to have the easiest part over with?”

“Easiest part?”

“Why sure,” he replied. “It’s the next twenty years that are going to be tough.”

Now, more than twenty years later, we have discovered, right there among mortality’s thorns, the sweet fruit of having joy in our posterity. After all the diapers, the bruises, the washing, the cheering, the cleaning up, the pleading, the nail biting, the crying, the laughing, the pacing, and the praying, we understand. We feel about raising children the way Ammon felt about missionary work:

“And this is the account of Ammon and his brethren, their journeyings in the land of Nephi, their sufferings in the land, their sorrows, and their afflictions, and their incomprehensible joy”.

Joy in the Journey Part 3

So I just had one of THE most fun get-togethers with three of my high school friends.  We are talking and stuff and it comes up that a mutual friend has posted one of his talks on FB.  And that is apparently VERY uncouth.  And I'm sitting here thinking, um, I've just broken my talk up into several different posts and put in on my blog.  Man.  That's tacky.


Then I think, hey, this blog thing is really for me, right?  And I want a copy of my own talk.  So avert your eyes if you think it's tacky.  I brag about my kids and I know that's tacky, too.  But, I don't really care.  For the record, no one is *making* you read this.  And who knows?  Maybe someone who stumbles on this needs it.  


Another obstacle that we face in experiencing joy is our perception of the trials we experience—note that I say the perception of our trials and not the trials themselves.  Words of prophets, both modern day and in the scriptures are replete with examples of those who experience joy during trials and testimony that we can do the same.

One of my favorite examples is in Helamen chapter 3. 

This was a time of great prosperity in the church.  In fact, in the previous couple of years there were tens of thousands of new converts to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  But as always happens in times of prosperity, pride began to enter in and some of the people began to persecute other members of the church. 

In verses 34 and 35 we read, “And they were lifted up in pride even to the persecution of many of their brethren.  Now this was a great evil, which did cause the more humble part of the people to suffer great persecutions, and to wade through much affliction.  Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God.”

I love that it says they grew stronger and stronger in their humility.  When do we ever think of being strong in humility?  But the thing I love the most is that these humble people received joy and consolation WHILE wading through affliction.  That is potent imagery.  When I think of wading, I think of slogging through water up to my knees at least.  Perhaps the water is up to my waist, where it’s difficult to take a step forward and everything requires so much effort.  And it was at this time, not after the trial was over, but while wading through affliction that these people in Helamen received joy and consolation because they yielded their hearts to God.  They trusted Him.  And because they rested their problems and struggles in God’s hands they had joy.

Joy in the Journey Part 2

Life is a lot like having a new baby in the house.  It is wonderful and full of joy, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t challenges or it’s not a lot of work.  The key to a joyful life is having joy in the journey.

The online guide to the scriptures says that joy is a condition of great happiness coming from righteous living. The purpose of mortal life is for all people to have joy.  A full joy will come only through Jesus Christ.

The prophet Joseph Smith said, “Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, IF we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness and keeping all the commandments of God.”

From this, we learn that joy is conditioned on personal righteousness.  Thus, sin is an obstacle to joy.

Elder Richard G. Scott taught, “If you are suffering the disheartening affects of transgression, please recognize that the only path to permanent relief from sadness is sincere repentance with a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  There is really no other way to get lasting healing and peace.”

In another talk Elder Scott promised, “I know that every difficulty we face in life, even those that come from our own negligence or even transgression can be turned by the Lord into growth experiences, a virtual ladder upward.  I certainly do not recommend transgression as a path to growth. . . . It is far wiser and so much easier to move forward in righteousness.  But through proper repentance, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and obedience to His commandments, even the disappointment that comes from transgression can be converted into a return to happiness.”

Joy in the Journey Part I

This last Mother's Day, Wendell and I were asked to speak in church.  My topic was about having Joy in the Gospel.  This is my talk in, well, a few parts.  I hope you like it.

Mother’s Day 1999 was something that I had been looking forward to for about 9 months.  Yet, as I waddled into church 7 days overdue, I felt a little miffed.  Emma was born the next day making her reluctant entrance. 

She was a colicky baby, which I attribute to my nervousness and inexperience, rather than any temperamental deficiency of Emma’s.    And I was as nervous as they came.  I was prone to calling the doctor for comical reasons leaving nurses on the other end of the phone struggling to breathe while also restraining their laughter.

So you can imagine the production it was to go to the grocery store for the first time with Emma in tow.  I went equipped with multiple changes of diapers, wipes, a change of clothes, toys, binky and spare blankets.  I had her buckled properly in her car seat, swathed with blankets to keep her warm even though it was already June.  With a shopping list tucked in my purse, I struggled to carry Emma, in her car seat on one arm and a gigantic diaper bag and my purse on the other arm into the grocery store.

It was one of the most exhausting shopping trips I had had to date.  Finally at the check out, a sweet white-haired woman behind me peered into the car seat to look at Emma. 

“Oh, isn’t this wonderful!” she said to me.

“This,” I said, pointing at Emma, “is a lot of work.”

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “but isn’t it wonderful?”

Two Outa Three Ain't Bad

Today was retinal specialist day.  So at 10:30 I packed up Emma, Nathan and Annika and took them to the retinal specialist's office.  There was a new tech--a nice guy, but one I'd never seen before.  I had decided last time when the tech was struggling to get the kids eye pressure that I wouldn't do it this time.  We've never had anything, but a normal reading, the fluid in their eyes has been going down, and they're KIDS for heaven sake--not an age group prone to eye pressure problems. (Shush.  I know kids aren't prone to problems with their macula, but still.)

As Tech Guy pulled out the pen-thingy that they have to touch your eye with 13 times to get a reading, I said, "I don't want to do eye pressure readings today."  He looked at me, a bit aghast.  Then he glanced around the room thinking rapidly.  He opened Annika's chart.

"We did it last time," he pointed out.

"Yep," I said.  "And we've never had anything, but a normal reading, right?  I'll do it next time, but I don't think we need to do it today."

He seemed befuddled.  I was making him buck procedure and he was obviously uncomfortable with that.  He kept saying things like, "OK. And we aren't doing the eye pressure right now, but we might in a few minutes."  Then we'd switch kids and a different one would have their turn having an exam.

Tech Guy went out to check and see if it was OK that we didn't do the eye pressure, but when Dr. Two came in, he was hunky-dory about it.  It's one of the many reasons I like Dr. Two.  He's cool with that kinda stuff and he lets me be in charge.

After an exam with Dr. Two, we got the kid's eye scans done.  Then I sent the kid's to the waiting room to fight over the iPad play together quietly, while I sat comfortably out of earshot in an exam room with Dr. Two.

"Are any of the kids doing a better job at taking their medications than others?"

"No.  They all take their meds at the same time everyday.  Why?  Are some receiving more benefit than others?"

The short answer was, yes.  While Emma was showing marked improvement not only in her left eye, but also in the side vision on her already blind right eye.  Annika was showing slight improvement.  Hopefully.  At the very least, she's holding steady.  The scans showed some improvement in her central vision, where it matters most.  Yet, she had additional fluid in her lower vision, more indicative of the fluid sloshing rather than dissipating.

But Nathan had actually gotten worse.  In light of that, Dr. Two and I also talked about the results of the blood work that had been done at the hospital previously.  Emma and Annika were retaining a bit of carbon dioxide--an expected side effect.  But Nathan was complete with in normal range.  This, coupled with the increasing of the fluid, could mean that Nate's not on the right dose of medication.

That really didn't surprise me when I thought about it.  Nathan and Annika were on the exact same dose, even though Nathan is 9 and Annika is only 5.  Nate's head and shoulders taller than Annika and probably weighs 75% more. So Dr Two and I decided to raise Nate's medication 50%.  Emma will take two pills a day, Annika one and Nate one and half.

We come back to see what that's doing in three months.  Meanwhile, Beck will come in later this month for his biannual screening.  Stay tuned.

I Knew I Would Stink At It

OK.  It's pretty obvious.  I'm not a good streaker.  I think any one who knows me well would know that I would stink at this.  I'm just too darn modest.

Here's the deal.  I was actually doing really, really well going to bed at between 11:30 and 11:45, but not BY 11:30 which is what my goal was. So I said to Wendell, "I'm going to count it if I'm in bed before 11:45.  That's going to count for my streak."

You know what Wendell said?  "No way.  Then it will be 'as long as I'm in bed before midnight', and pretty soon you'll be going to bed at 12:22 and counting it as going to bed by 11:30."

"That's it," I said. "I'm going to have to change my streak and push it back to 11:45, then."

"Or," Wendell pointed out, "you could start getting ready for bed at 11:15."

He's right of course.  And that's what I *should* have done.  But I didn't.  What I did was the opposite.  If it was 11:25 and I didn't have my PJ's on yet, I'd just sit and read or visit or do whatever until 11:45 or so.  And then I'd get ready for bed.  Or, if I was making a concerted effort and realized that it was 11:35, I'd just stop, give up and play Angry Birds on my iPad for 20 minutes.  But bit by bit I have been going to bed later and later.  I'm desperate for an afternoon nap, I don't want to get up and work out, I feel crummy.

In a nice way (love you, honey) I'm telling Wendell to stick it.  This is MY blog, dang it, and I can do whatever I want.  So I'm pushing my streak back.  And at 11:20 each night, I'm going to make a break for it.  I think this will work.

The other thing was, I wanted a little container to hold my earrings and I was looking around for one to motivate me to go to bed on time and this was going to be my reward.  And my dear husband (sending kisses and adoring looks his way) told me that I could use this, that or the other to hold my earrings. And he's right again.  I could.  But I also lost my motivation to go to bed.  I KNOW that feeling good should be enough.  It's not.  I want to buy myself stuff.  Nice stuff.  Helpful stuff.  Organizing stuff.  So there.  When I go to bed a whole week---seven days in a row--at 11:45 or earlier, then I'm going to buy myself an earring holder.

There.  I feel so much better.