As I approach the end of the pregnancy, I approach the end of having pregnancies. This is it. The end. We will have 5 kids. Actually, this is about 1 more than I've pictured myself having so it shouldn't be such a big deal to make The Decision.
Yet, I wish that I was 10 years older. Not that I want to be pregnant at 41, that's not what I'm saying. I just wish that it were 10 years from now and I could say to myself, "Look, you have 5 great kids. Your youngest is 10. You've got arthritis that you've been treating for 31 years. You're done." I think that that would be natural and easier. (Although, friends of mine in their 40's have mentioned that it was still a tough decision to be Done. Permanently.)
Really, I feel good about it spiritually. But just the thought that we will never pray about another child, that we will never accidentally get pregnant, saddens me as much as it thrills me.
I have a great case for being done. My doctors have told me that there is a 1/7 chance of dieing if I try for a 6th C-section. My chance of uterine rupture on a 6th section is 16%. And I have arthritis. And I'm not getting younger. And I'm uber fertile. It seems sometimes that Wendell has but to look crosswise at me and I'm pregnant again. "You definitely fit in the Fertile Myrtle category," my OB affirmed. So, unless we make it permanently the end, I always run the risk of getting pregnant. (I was on B/C pills and nursing when we got pregnant with this one.)
And when I look at the pros and cons this way: Pros--living, Cons--dieing, etc. It seems obvious that Wendell and I are making the right choice. It's just not an easy choice.
6 comments:
We made our decision permanent after this last baby also. I knew it was the right thing for us. It's still the end of a period in my life. When I signed the papers, I was sad. When I went to surgery, I was sad. Each time I end something, like nursing, or put away the swing, or bassinet, I feel sad. I don't know why. I still don't doubt my decision, I just feel sad. I like at high school graduation. I was glad it was over, anxious for the future, but I knew something that I had done for so long, was now over and I would never go back. I'm excited for you but reading your thoughts brings back my experience also. I know what your feeling. You're not alone. I would say just let yourself feel all the emotions and don't feel guilty for anything.
You can always ADOPT!! :)
I am envious of people who know that their families are complete. While I know that ours won't be for some time, I can't wait for the day to know.
I've always wondered about how it'll all come to and end for us, too. My sisters have talked about how they feel like they had to just keep having babies til they felt that inspiration that their family was complete. (Yet some get anxious that it still hasn't happened after SO many!) That's got to be so affirming to feel complete, but at the same time I can see how it would also be a little heartbreaking to move on from a phase that you've been in for the past several years. Life just gets better, though. I'm sure every year to come will just keep getting better for you as well. :)
I can't imagine how hard that decision will be when it comes for me. Babies are so so sweet. How can we not always want more? But like you said, when you know it is right you have to go with it and I'm sure time will ease the sadness of it.
Jenna- i know how you feel. Like Laurie, I feel sad about it too sometimes, but we will be moms in heaven and maybe have more! For us, I just couldn't have another pregnancy because of post partum issues. Even when you pray about it and feel at peace, I think as a mother it is still sad for some. For me, it's just so much a part of who I am. luckily, I have always wanted to adopt and I am thankful that my sweet birthmoms went through the pregnancy and birth for me!
Whatever you decide I'm sure it will be the best decision for you and your family :)
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