Surreal

 Part of my life feels like I'm living in the Twilight Zone. Strange. Fictional. And yet, there's a beauty to my current life that was missing in my previous one. 

I recently read through my Jan 2021 blog post about my sleep goal. And how proud I was to get to sleep at 11:30pm for most of January. I will tell you that the goal didn't hold. By the end of 2021 I was going to bed at midnight on the regular. And Wendell continued to resist to visit with me. That's not why we got divorced, but it's interesting that it was a symptom of much deeper problems that I felt, but could never put my finger on. Until my world was upended in February 2022 with news that shocked me to the core. Shocked the kids. I had thought I knew who my husband was. Turns out, I didn't know him at all--a strange thing to say after 25 years of marriage.

And thus the Twilight Zone sensation. 

What's interesting is how different my life is now. Here's a few things that are notably different. 

1) I go to bed before 11:00pm every night. It's very, very rare for me to be up that late. 

2) I rarely watch TV. That was Wendell's thing and so it was our thing to do together. I have always thought of it as pretty lame. Now that I don't feel pressure to watch TV, I don't. 

3) My house is in order. I didn't put it in order by myself. With the help of my ministering sisters and another dear friend, we got my bedroom, living room, and kitchen in order (in that order). My room remains tidy. My living room remains tidy. My kitchen ebbs and flows a little more, but it's been remarkable. 

I am a huge subscriber of the thought that you have to throw things out/give away things in order to really tidy up. And all of a sudden, I'm the only decision maker. I don't have to run anything past anyone. I just decide. 

This one is particularly strange to me. If you'd sat Wendell and me down in January and asked why our house was a mess, we would have both said that it was me. I was the reason our house wasn't in order. This was my personal failing. And yet, once things are set in order, I'm easily keeping them that way. And I don't know why this is so easy. But it is. And I wonder if that limiting belief--that I couldn't keep a tidy home--was ever mine. Or if it's just something I picked up and it wasn't true. I've believed it for 25 years. But I have so much evidence already that it is false. 

4) I'm getting the best sleep of my life. Literally why do we share beds/bedrooms with spouses? It is complete bliss to never be awakened in my sleep by someone snoring, rolling over, getting bumped or kicked. I don't worry when I make my 4:00am bathroom run. I never have to worry about the covers (am I sharing, is he too hot or too cold, will I get blamed in the morning). It is amazing. Everyone should try it. 

5) I am making tough decisions, fixing household items and learning to reach out to new resources all by myself. It's interesting how when a spouse has certain limiting thoughts about you, that over time you adopt those thoughts. I can't drive on road trips. I can't fix household things. I can't keep a tidy home. None of these started with me. I wasn't raised this way. But over time I believed each of these things with intense surety. They were all false. I have within me the ability to do anything I need to. 

Just the other day, the kids were at school and I walked around my house amazed at how tidy everything was. Everything has a place. It feels like I'm living someone else's life. Yet it's mine. My beautiful life. I didn't even know it was possible.