I Chose Me

 I've be browsing around my blog looking at old posts and I found one called Choosing Me. It was late 2014--eight and half years ago--and I lamented that I felt a press to do something bigger with my life. I wanted to go to grad school. I wanted to get a job. I wanted to pursue my dreams. 

Looking back, I think God was nudging me. I was in what would ultimately been the best years of my marriage. But they didn't last. Certainly by 2016 I was seeing behaviors in my spouse that I knew had been trouble for us in years past. I knew would be trouble for us in the future. I begged him to prioritize things of the spirit, our family, our marital relationship. But he'd gotten comfortably complacent--something that anyone with an addictive personality cannot do. 

And the press from God came stronger. I started prepping for the GRE. I researched grad schools. I took the GRE. I applied for grad school. I was accepted. I plowed through course work. I got excited about my thesis. And one day after another, I chose me. 

And all the things I worried about did not happen. The kids stepped up and did the dishes. The house was often not tidy and no one died of it. My spouse took over laundry and grocery shopping. And I took time for me. 

In Feb 2022 when my life blew up and I stood among the shattered pieces. I was not the woman of 2014. I was stronger. I was in graduate school. I had finished my course work. I could see the end of the tunnel on my thesis. I had put money in savings in my name only for such an occasion as this. 

Even when my spouse (figuratively) lit a bomb to our family life and home, I was in a place where I could take the kids by the hands and walk away. Rebuild. The bomb going off did waylay by graduation, postponing it at least a semester. But graduate I did. Just over two months afterward, I had a job that is a perfect fit and I'm so happy about. 

God had prepared me for this. He could see this coming. He warned me. And I wasn't stuck. I was as ready as I could be. So when God said it was time to go--that I should get to safety--I could go. 

I will forever be grateful that I listened to that nagging. That I took action. When I learned my spouse no longer cared about my health or my life, I loved myself enough to move to safety. I cared about me. I loved me. I would protect me. 

Having followed God's promptings, I was prepared to walk away. I'm so grateful that God loved me enough to help me choose me. And I'm grateful I acted on those feelings and chose me.