Expect the Best; Plan for the Worst

 I've thought a lot recently about how we teach children about marriage. Marriage is a huge focus for Latter-day Saints. But I think we fall prey to several of false teachings about marriage. 

1) There is a timeline. 

2) Once you're married you live happily ever after. 

3) Your spouse will never change.

4) Even if there are major problems, you should stay married because you made a commitment. 

First, there is no timeline. You have not failed if you're not married in your twenties. God's timing is the best timing and that timing is not the same for everyone. What is important is finding someone with great character, loyalty, and values. 

When I was in Young Women's we were taught to write a list of what we wanted in a spouse including height, hair color, etc. Physical characteristics don't matter. What does matter is shared values, conscientiousness, kindness, and how they make you feel.  It is far, far better to spend time finding the right person, dating them for long enough that you feel like they're well vetted and then marry. It's not a race and the youngest person to marry doesn't win. Take your time. Grow your own talents. Don't settle for less than you deserve. 

Second, let's talk about the Disney effect. As children we were told (or watched) a lot of stories where the romance ends with a marriage. It is assumed that everything after the marriage is happy and easy; the hard part is finding a spouse and getting married. It reminds me of the joke where a young bride says to her mother, "I'm at the end of all my troubles." 

"Yes, dear," says the mother. "But which end?" 

As anyone who has been married knows, marriage is a lot of work. It takes open communication, both partners being able to bring up and talk about hard things, and getting through a lot of the mundane day-to-day life, figuring out a division of labor, financial ups and downs, and more. Marriage can also be a lot of fun. You have inside jokes, you can delight and surprise one another, you have someone to snuggle, and in a good marriage, your spouse has your back. In the bible dictionary, it says, "Prayer is a form of work." So is marriage. It's worth it, but it's work. 

Third, all people change. Some couples have the good fortune that their spouse changes in the same direction they do. But not everyone has that good fortune. In the church, people often say, "Marrying my spouse was the best decision I ever made." But what they mean is, "I've had the good fortune that my spouse and I have changed in ways where we still have the same values." 

My former spouse was living a double life. It was his lying and deception (and putting my life at risk) that ended our marriage. I can also tell you that the young man who stepped off the plane from Brazil in December of 1996 would never have done the things that the man I divorced did. The man I divorced was not in any way the man I married. He changed overtime in a totally different direction. 

Fourth, no one should have to stay in a bad marriage. This is the part of our lessons that are the most lacking as members of The Church of Jesus Christ. We need to expect the best, but plan for the worst. We will often talk in financial classes about preparing for the death of a spouse, but we need to be equally ready for divorce. Just like I talked about in my last post about knowing our dealbreakers, we should be prepared in the event that dealbreakers surface. 

Every woman should have a savings account in her name only. It should hold no less than half of the family's savings. She should complete her education and keep a toe in her chosen field so that if she needs to she can immediately go back to work full time. She should have a credit card in her name. 

I'll tell you that for me, doing these things made me feel more secure in my marriage, not less. When I went back to school for my Master's degree, I knew that I had a path out if I needed it and staying in my marriage was a choice. Simultaneously, when I learned of my husband's poor decisions, I was in a position to immediately leave.  He moved out Feb 17, 2022. On Feb 13, 2023, less than a year later,  I had a Master's degree and good job. 

Marriage Is Conditional

 I get it. We think of love as unconditional. Or maybe we think it *should* be unconditional. I've certainly read many a Christian counseling blog arguing that marital love should be unconditional. But I think that's wrong. 

Just imagine your beloved murdered someone. It's probably hard, because you can't fathom them doing it. But stretch yourself. If your spouse murdered someone in cold blood, would you stay? Or is that the condition that ends the marriage? 

The reality is, marriages have dealbreakers. They must. Murder; sexual abuse; physical abuse; theft and other criminal acts; anything that harms a child. But I'm betting that's not all. What about financial abuse? What about emotional abuse? Adultery? Serial adultery? Creating a double life? 

These are all kinda no-brainers. 

I've known a couple of women who found out their husbands were consuming child pornography when they police showed up at their home and arrested their spouse. One stayed with her husband. One divorced him. What do you think is better in that case? 

As Latter-day Saints, we generally don't talk about marriage being conditional. We're generally focused on marriage being eternal. And eternal marriage is 100% the goal. But on earth we have to be grounded in having conditions and knowing what our dealbreakers are. 

One that has always existed for me, is religion. My testimony of Jesus Christ and my belief in his Gospel is the single most important thing in my life. And I knew that if I had a spouse that walked away from formerly shared religious beliefs, I'd walk away from him. 

In 2010 my marriage was in deep trouble. I was desperately depressed and I was trying to keep all that I was going through a secret in an unhealthy twist of what I would have called loyalty. It was the hardest summer of my life. It was during this time, I read an article by Boyd K Packer called, Finding Ourselves in Lehi's Dream. In this article President Packer shares the following story.

"I think now and then of one of our classmates—very bright, good looking, faithful in the Church, and drenched with talent and ability. He married well and rose quickly to prominence. He began to compromise to please the world and those around him. They flattered him into following after their ways, which were the ways of the world.... Somewhere in little things, my classmate’s grasp on the iron rod loosened a bit. His wife held on to the rod with one hand and on to him with the other. Finally, he slipped away from her and let go of the rod. Just as Lehi’s dream or vision predicted, he fell away into forbidden paths and was lost."

I remember reading these lines over and over. "His wife held on to the rod with one hand and on to him with the other. Finally, he slipped away from her and let go of the rod." I could picture this in my minds eye. The two of them walking along the covenant path together, holding on to each other and holding on to the iron rod. And I could see him being pulled by the things of the world. The husband letting go of the iron rod, but still holding on to his wife. And he began to walk away. In this vision, her hand remains fixed and solid on the iron rod, but as he leaves the path and walks toward darkness, he begins to pull. Eventually she's in a massive tug of war between the iron rod and her husband. She's being stretched painfully and has to choose. Reluctantly, she lets go of her husband's hand and presses forward toward God without him. Meanwhile he turns his back on both her and God and wanders into "forbidden paths." 

This was one of the greatest reliefs of anything I'd ever read by an apostle. He acknowledged a dealbreaker. There was no condemnation for the faithful wife. In fact, to me, it felt like permission to get divorced. It seemed like it outlined the correct path--the best thing to do in a situation like this. 

I've thought of this story 100 times. I compared it to my life. I watched for dealbreakers and collected puzzle pieces--random bits of information that didn't fit into what I knew about my spouse. When my world blew up, the puzzle fell into place and I knew it was time to go and that it was ok to go. 

I Chose Me

 I've be browsing around my blog looking at old posts and I found one called Choosing Me. It was late 2014--eight and half years ago--and I lamented that I felt a press to do something bigger with my life. I wanted to go to grad school. I wanted to get a job. I wanted to pursue my dreams. 

Looking back, I think God was nudging me. I was in what would ultimately been the best years of my marriage. But they didn't last. Certainly by 2016 I was seeing behaviors in my spouse that I knew had been trouble for us in years past. I knew would be trouble for us in the future. I begged him to prioritize things of the spirit, our family, our marital relationship. But he'd gotten comfortably complacent--something that anyone with an addictive personality cannot do. 

And the press from God came stronger. I started prepping for the GRE. I researched grad schools. I took the GRE. I applied for grad school. I was accepted. I plowed through course work. I got excited about my thesis. And one day after another, I chose me. 

And all the things I worried about did not happen. The kids stepped up and did the dishes. The house was often not tidy and no one died of it. My spouse took over laundry and grocery shopping. And I took time for me. 

In Feb 2022 when my life blew up and I stood among the shattered pieces. I was not the woman of 2014. I was stronger. I was in graduate school. I had finished my course work. I could see the end of the tunnel on my thesis. I had put money in savings in my name only for such an occasion as this. 

Even when my spouse (figuratively) lit a bomb to our family life and home, I was in a place where I could take the kids by the hands and walk away. Rebuild. The bomb going off did waylay by graduation, postponing it at least a semester. But graduate I did. Just over two months afterward, I had a job that is a perfect fit and I'm so happy about. 

God had prepared me for this. He could see this coming. He warned me. And I wasn't stuck. I was as ready as I could be. So when God said it was time to go--that I should get to safety--I could go. 

I will forever be grateful that I listened to that nagging. That I took action. When I learned my spouse no longer cared about my health or my life, I loved myself enough to move to safety. I cared about me. I loved me. I would protect me. 

Having followed God's promptings, I was prepared to walk away. I'm so grateful that God loved me enough to help me choose me. And I'm grateful I acted on those feelings and chose me. 

Surreal

 Part of my life feels like I'm living in the Twilight Zone. Strange. Fictional. And yet, there's a beauty to my current life that was missing in my previous one. 

I recently read through my Jan 2021 blog post about my sleep goal. And how proud I was to get to sleep at 11:30pm for most of January. I will tell you that the goal didn't hold. By the end of 2021 I was going to bed at midnight on the regular. And Wendell continued to resist to visit with me. That's not why we got divorced, but it's interesting that it was a symptom of much deeper problems that I felt, but could never put my finger on. Until my world was upended in February 2022 with news that shocked me to the core. Shocked the kids. I had thought I knew who my husband was. Turns out, I didn't know him at all--a strange thing to say after 25 years of marriage.

And thus the Twilight Zone sensation. 

What's interesting is how different my life is now. Here's a few things that are notably different. 

1) I go to bed before 11:00pm every night. It's very, very rare for me to be up that late. 

2) I rarely watch TV. That was Wendell's thing and so it was our thing to do together. I have always thought of it as pretty lame. Now that I don't feel pressure to watch TV, I don't. 

3) My house is in order. I didn't put it in order by myself. With the help of my ministering sisters and another dear friend, we got my bedroom, living room, and kitchen in order (in that order). My room remains tidy. My living room remains tidy. My kitchen ebbs and flows a little more, but it's been remarkable. 

I am a huge subscriber of the thought that you have to throw things out/give away things in order to really tidy up. And all of a sudden, I'm the only decision maker. I don't have to run anything past anyone. I just decide. 

This one is particularly strange to me. If you'd sat Wendell and me down in January and asked why our house was a mess, we would have both said that it was me. I was the reason our house wasn't in order. This was my personal failing. And yet, once things are set in order, I'm easily keeping them that way. And I don't know why this is so easy. But it is. And I wonder if that limiting belief--that I couldn't keep a tidy home--was ever mine. Or if it's just something I picked up and it wasn't true. I've believed it for 25 years. But I have so much evidence already that it is false. 

4) I'm getting the best sleep of my life. Literally why do we share beds/bedrooms with spouses? It is complete bliss to never be awakened in my sleep by someone snoring, rolling over, getting bumped or kicked. I don't worry when I make my 4:00am bathroom run. I never have to worry about the covers (am I sharing, is he too hot or too cold, will I get blamed in the morning). It is amazing. Everyone should try it. 

5) I am making tough decisions, fixing household items and learning to reach out to new resources all by myself. It's interesting how when a spouse has certain limiting thoughts about you, that over time you adopt those thoughts. I can't drive on road trips. I can't fix household things. I can't keep a tidy home. None of these started with me. I wasn't raised this way. But over time I believed each of these things with intense surety. They were all false. I have within me the ability to do anything I need to. 

Just the other day, the kids were at school and I walked around my house amazed at how tidy everything was. Everything has a place. It feels like I'm living someone else's life. Yet it's mine. My beautiful life. I didn't even know it was possible. 

New Family

 In February, my life was completely upended. Literally, it felt like being upside down. I couldn't breathe.  I just walked around with my hand over my heart, tapping it periodically, to try to keep me breathing. Wendell moved out on February 17 and by the 18th we had jointly decided to divorce. 

The last two months have been among the hardest of my life. But I'm slowly getting my bearings. I have taken over tons of things that used to be "Wendell's job" including some that would surprise him that they were "his" job. But I'm getting rather proud of the things I've done by myself.

• Getting air in my tires
• Taking my car through a car wash
• Getting an oil change
• Getting new family pictures taken with just me and kids
• Buying a lovely, comfortable chair for my room
• Buying new decor for my room (thanks to my amazing sisters)
• Going out with friends on the weekends

I'm starting to feel happy by myself and even look forward to the life I can create on my own. I'm being stretched, which hurts, but I'm also learning. And I love learning.