I've thought a lot recently about how we teach children about marriage. Marriage is a huge focus for Latter-day Saints. But I think we fall prey to several of false teachings about marriage.
1) There is a timeline.
2) Once you're married you live happily ever after.
3) Your spouse will never change.
4) Even if there are major problems, you should stay married because you made a commitment.
First, there is no timeline. You have not failed if you're not married in your twenties. God's timing is the best timing and that timing is not the same for everyone. What is important is finding someone with great character, loyalty, and values.
When I was in Young Women's we were taught to write a list of what we wanted in a spouse including height, hair color, etc. Physical characteristics don't matter. What does matter is shared values, conscientiousness, kindness, and how they make you feel. It is far, far better to spend time finding the right person, dating them for long enough that you feel like they're well vetted and then marry. It's not a race and the youngest person to marry doesn't win. Take your time. Grow your own talents. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
Second, let's talk about the Disney effect. As children we were told (or watched) a lot of stories where the romance ends with a marriage. It is assumed that everything after the marriage is happy and easy; the hard part is finding a spouse and getting married. It reminds me of the joke where a young bride says to her mother, "I'm at the end of all my troubles."
"Yes, dear," says the mother. "But which end?"
As anyone who has been married knows, marriage is a lot of work. It takes open communication, both partners being able to bring up and talk about hard things, and getting through a lot of the mundane day-to-day life, figuring out a division of labor, financial ups and downs, and more. Marriage can also be a lot of fun. You have inside jokes, you can delight and surprise one another, you have someone to snuggle, and in a good marriage, your spouse has your back. In the bible dictionary, it says, "Prayer is a form of work." So is marriage. It's worth it, but it's work.
Third, all people change. Some couples have the good fortune that their spouse changes in the same direction they do. But not everyone has that good fortune. In the church, people often say, "Marrying my spouse was the best decision I ever made." But what they mean is, "I've had the good fortune that my spouse and I have changed in ways where we still have the same values."
My former spouse was living a double life. It was his lying and deception (and putting my life at risk) that ended our marriage. I can also tell you that the young man who stepped off the plane from Brazil in December of 1996 would never have done the things that the man I divorced did. The man I divorced was not in any way the man I married. He changed overtime in a totally different direction.
Fourth, no one should have to stay in a bad marriage. This is the part of our lessons that are the most lacking as members of The Church of Jesus Christ. We need to expect the best, but plan for the worst. We will often talk in financial classes about preparing for the death of a spouse, but we need to be equally ready for divorce. Just like I talked about in my last post about knowing our dealbreakers, we should be prepared in the event that dealbreakers surface.
Every woman should have a savings account in her name only. It should hold no less than half of the family's savings. She should complete her education and keep a toe in her chosen field so that if she needs to she can immediately go back to work full time. She should have a credit card in her name.
I'll tell you that for me, doing these things made me feel more secure in my marriage, not less. When I went back to school for my Master's degree, I knew that I had a path out if I needed it and staying in my marriage was a choice. Simultaneously, when I learned of my husband's poor decisions, I was in a position to immediately leave. He moved out Feb 17, 2022. On Feb 13, 2023, less than a year later, I had a Master's degree and good job.
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