Marriage Is Conditional

 I get it. We think of love as unconditional. Or maybe we think it *should* be unconditional. I've certainly read many a Christian counseling blog arguing that marital love should be unconditional. But I think that's wrong. 

Just imagine your beloved murdered someone. It's probably hard, because you can't fathom them doing it. But stretch yourself. If your spouse murdered someone in cold blood, would you stay? Or is that the condition that ends the marriage? 

The reality is, marriages have dealbreakers. They must. Murder; sexual abuse; physical abuse; theft and other criminal acts; anything that harms a child. But I'm betting that's not all. What about financial abuse? What about emotional abuse? Adultery? Serial adultery? Creating a double life? 

These are all kinda no-brainers. 

I've known a couple of women who found out their husbands were consuming child pornography when they police showed up at their home and arrested their spouse. One stayed with her husband. One divorced him. What do you think is better in that case? 

As Latter-day Saints, we generally don't talk about marriage being conditional. We're generally focused on marriage being eternal. And eternal marriage is 100% the goal. But on earth we have to be grounded in having conditions and knowing what our dealbreakers are. 

One that has always existed for me, is religion. My testimony of Jesus Christ and my belief in his Gospel is the single most important thing in my life. And I knew that if I had a spouse that walked away from formerly shared religious beliefs, I'd walk away from him. 

In 2010 my marriage was in deep trouble. I was desperately depressed and I was trying to keep all that I was going through a secret in an unhealthy twist of what I would have called loyalty. It was the hardest summer of my life. It was during this time, I read an article by Boyd K Packer called, Finding Ourselves in Lehi's Dream. In this article President Packer shares the following story.

"I think now and then of one of our classmates—very bright, good looking, faithful in the Church, and drenched with talent and ability. He married well and rose quickly to prominence. He began to compromise to please the world and those around him. They flattered him into following after their ways, which were the ways of the world.... Somewhere in little things, my classmate’s grasp on the iron rod loosened a bit. His wife held on to the rod with one hand and on to him with the other. Finally, he slipped away from her and let go of the rod. Just as Lehi’s dream or vision predicted, he fell away into forbidden paths and was lost."

I remember reading these lines over and over. "His wife held on to the rod with one hand and on to him with the other. Finally, he slipped away from her and let go of the rod." I could picture this in my minds eye. The two of them walking along the covenant path together, holding on to each other and holding on to the iron rod. And I could see him being pulled by the things of the world. The husband letting go of the iron rod, but still holding on to his wife. And he began to walk away. In this vision, her hand remains fixed and solid on the iron rod, but as he leaves the path and walks toward darkness, he begins to pull. Eventually she's in a massive tug of war between the iron rod and her husband. She's being stretched painfully and has to choose. Reluctantly, she lets go of her husband's hand and presses forward toward God without him. Meanwhile he turns his back on both her and God and wanders into "forbidden paths." 

This was one of the greatest reliefs of anything I'd ever read by an apostle. He acknowledged a dealbreaker. There was no condemnation for the faithful wife. In fact, to me, it felt like permission to get divorced. It seemed like it outlined the correct path--the best thing to do in a situation like this. 

I've thought of this story 100 times. I compared it to my life. I watched for dealbreakers and collected puzzle pieces--random bits of information that didn't fit into what I knew about my spouse. When my world blew up, the puzzle fell into place and I knew it was time to go and that it was ok to go.