Advisors

So I was watching my TIVO'd Oprah show the other day and it was about children of divorce. The whole show was fascinating and heart wrenching at the same time. Kind of tangentially, Gary Newman, an expert on divorce and providing healing for kids, said that he and his wife have 5 children. When they become teenagers he and his wife sit down with the child and two other special adults.

They tell their children that they will always be loved by Mom and Dad, and may always talk to them about anything, but if they need someone else to talk to these two people are good ones. These two people also love the child unconditionally and are endorsed by Mom and Dad as people who will give them good advice. The children and the two adults are told they can talk any time and they don't even need to tell Mom and Dad what's going on. Gary went on to say that this way he hopes his kids will get better advice than just from their peers.

Part of me sees this as an amazing stroke of genius. The reality is teenagers will not bring every problem to their parents. They want to assert their independence, but sometimes there's also a level shame involved in decisions they've made. They know they've done something stupid and they don't want to look stupid in front of Mom and Dad.

The other part of me panics. It seems like a real relinquishing of power or of knowing your child.

What do you think?

Starting Anew

My former sister-in-law is getting remarried. I sincerely hope that she finds all of the love and support that she didn't find married to Wendell's brother, Mark. What has amazed me about all this is Mark's reaction.

First, however, you need some back story. Wendell's brother is a jerk. Not just a regular men-are-better-than-women-so-I-don't-help-around-the-house-or-with-the-kids kind of jerk, but also the adulterous-walk-out-on-your-wife-of-13-years-and-your-four-kids-for-a-girl-15-years-your-junior kind of jerk. Believe me, we have heard no end of the evils of Jenny, my former sister-in-law: how she mismanaged money and kept a filthy house. (Note: with little to no help from him, how did he think the house was going to get clean? Magic?)

Actually no one argues about her failings, but this justifies adultery how? Moving on, Jenny is remarrying next weekend and Mark is suddenly fighting for custody of the kids since she's moving 2.5 hours away.

This problem never would have happened if they had taken their time with the divorce decree. Wendell has a friend at work, who's ex-wife can't move more than 1 hour away without his express permission. But Mark, was in a massive hurry. Their uncontested divorce was finalized in about a month. Now, suddenly, he wants his kids. Not for their sakes, but for his selfish reasons--so he doesn't have to drive any distance to get them.

Another sister-in-law is worried that it may go in front of a judge. "I hope neither of them calls me to the stand," she said to me. "Neither will like what I have to say."

Although it would certainly make for awkward family dinners for a while, I wouldn't have any hesitation testifying on Jenny's behalf. The crux of the question is: who is the better parent? My answer would unwaveringly be Jenny.

Jenny's the one who changed diapers, feeds, clothes, and shops for the kids. She knows their friends, what homework they have and she's been involved in the PTA, including being PTA President. She's spent countless hours on Girl Scouts and overall is a good mom.

Mark on the other hand rarely came home. Although nice and fun with his kids when he's around, he's clueless about chores, homework and friends. I wish him luck, but unless Jenny suddenly starts doing drugs or beating the snot out of her kids, I don't think he has a prayer of getting them. And I think the kids will be better off for being with her.

Updated 11/5: Mark's had custody of the kids for several weeks now and I am pleasantly surprised what a good job he and Sam are doing. I am also surprised by the allegations against Jenny's husband and perhaps even more surprised that she's standing by HIM.

I do fear that too much parenting responsiblity is going to Sam who's only 7 year's Katie's senior. But from the outside, it all looks pretty good.

Rules Part 2

Wendell is a fast learner. The other day Nathan asked if he could play a computer game in the morning. Wendell told him, "We don't play computer games before school."

YEA!!

He got Nathan doing something else and he happily went off to school.

When Are You Due?

Wendell hates our bed. It's 10+ years old and he really wants a new one. Which I concede that we need. We have shopped EVERYWHERE and finally settled on, what our salesman called, the Lexus of beds. (We corrected him that it is the Acura of beds, but you have to be in the car business to enjoy that quip.) It comes with a 20 year warranty, which is very unusual for beds. Most have a 10 year warranty.

I read an article recently that said when you're shopping for beds lay on the bed for 15 minutes to really see if you like it.

So here we are in the bed store (again) laying on a bed and talking to a salesmen we've never met.

Salesman: So are you due right away?

Me: I've got 2.5 more months, but I'm getting close.

SM: HOLY COW!! I thought you'd be due next week or something.

Me (sad smile that says I've done this 4 times already): No, I'll get bigger yet. I have very large babies. This is a boy and my boys weighed 9 lbs 7 oz 2 days early and 9 lbs 10 oz 15 days early.

SM: No....

Me: I don't have any chance, though, of going 2 weeks early with this one, so he'll probably clear 10 lbs even though he'll come 7-9 days early.

SM: (shaking head in disbelief)

Although that was all I said to him, I also tend to carry extra amniotic fluid. With Anson, some 11 hours after my water broke, the doctor had to break it again. He found I had a pocket of fluid clear up under my ribs that was impeding Anson from really dropping.

When I was pregnant with Nathan I had a lot of perinatalogy appointments and all the women there were having multiples and presumed I was, too.

It's awesome having giant babies.

Carnival Craziness

Every year our elementary school does a carnival. This is a massive undertaking, but it's also the only PTA fundraiser for the year. It funds numerous programs that benefits our school in notable ways. Last year I was one of two people in charge of the whole thing. This year I just took on an element of it.

It was a much bigger undertaking than I had imagined and I won't be doing it next year with two babies in tow. Nevertheless, I am proud of my contribution to the overall total income of $11,600 (gross).

English Lesson

As I was scrubbing chocolate off of Nathan's (5) shirt sleeve when he looked at me and said, "I'm going to tell you about a word you probably don't know much about."

"OK," I said, "what's the word?"

"The word is PREDICAMENT."

"How do you know about predicament?" I asked.

"Oh," he smiled, "I know all about predicament."

"Where did you learn about predicament?"

"On Sesame Street."

"Are you in a predicament right now?" I said, still scrubbing his shirt.

"Yep. Do you think you can get the chocolate out?"

"I have a load of laundry that needs to go in right now. I'll give it a try."

Rules

Wendell is home 3 mornings a week, which I love. And hate. It is so good to have his help getting kids out the door and I can often get a walk between the time Emma and Anson go to school (8:00) and Nathan goes to school (9:15). But there are drawbacks as well.

Wendell often has trouble remembering things like library day (where are the books?) and PE (child must be wearing tennis shoes). But the worst is the TV. We have two "no TV" days per week, usually Monday and Thursday. In addition, no TV is ever watched in the morning before school. Ever.

This is important. The last thing I want to hear when taking a child to school is, "But I haven't seen (blah, blah, blah show) before. I want to stay home and watch it. I'll go to school when it's over."

Me: Sorry you have to go to school NOW!

Child: WAH!!

See why we don't watch TV in the morning? Poor Wendell had to take Nathan to school the other day literally kicking and screaming. When Wendell got home, I reminded him of this rule and I'm sure it made sense to him. He looked at me grimly probably wishing he'd known this rule before. Rules, I've decided, make life a lot easier.

The Amazing Emma

Sometimes I look at my children and wonder, where did you get that talent?

Emma read an A-Z mystery book. It's obviously too easy for her since she read all 88 pages in 35 minutes. I kid you not. She reads faster than I do. (I know this cause she's read stuff over my shoulder.)

I never was a fast reader, so this blows me away.

How Do You Explain...

How do you explain Sept 11th to a child? I'm sure, in fact I've been sure for a while, that my kids will have to write papers in junior high asking, "What were you doing on Sept 11th?" and including my memories of the attacks. But my kids are so little. This morning the conversation went something like this.

Emma: Wow! Mom there are flags in our yards! What is today?

Me: It's Patriot Day.

Anson: What's Patriot Day?

Me: Well...um...it was a day that some bad guys killed a lot of people. So we remember the people who died today.

Anson: Was it like a war?

Me: It started what we call the War on Terror in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Emma and Anson: COOOOL!!!

Anson: Were we alive during the battle?

Me: You were both alive on that Sept 11th. Anson you were about 11 months old, Emma you were 2. Nathan and Annika weren't born yet.

Anson (to Emma): We were alive during the battle!! (Singing and jumping around by both of them.)

Me (to myself): It wasn't a battle.

Anson: It wasn't a battle? Then what was it?

Me: Just bad guys killing people. (Thinking) ...Killing regular people as they went about a regular day.

Emma: I want to tell Nathan when he wakes up.

Me: Naw, just let Nathan be. He's only 5.

I Wonder What Annika is Doing

Annika is 17 months old and my little buddy, who I haul everywhere. Today I spent an hour at the school picking up sign-ups for the cake contest and cake walk in conjunction with the school carnival, introducing the 4th graders to the new upper grade reading program our school invented last year and handing out prizes to the kids who did math over the summer and didn't get their prizes Friday. Whew!

Meanwhile Annika whined, pulled one shoe off in one class, pulled the other shoe off in another class and tried to get stuff out of the bottom of the stroller. After our hour of school, I hauled her to the Junior High so I can vote in the Primaries for City Council.

When we finally got home she rushed down stairs to the toy room, while I ate a snack and read the news online. It's really too quiet at times down there and I know I heard her in the video cabinet earilier.

Even as I write, I began calling her. She didn't answer so I jumped up and ran down stairs. There she was at the bottom of the stairs wrapped up in her favorite blanket that she calls Baby, fast asleep. Since I was shouting and running around she peeped her eyes open, gazed at me sleepily and put her thumb back in her mouth. I guess it was time for a nap.

A Bit Snarky

OK, I'm feeling more compassionate and less snarky after venting to my mom. It's important to keep in mind that my challenges are different than my sister's challenges.

Plus, my house looks like crap. Poop. I mean poop. Her house is much, much cleaner. We couldn't be more opposite on this. Maybe I wouldn't have so much time for homework, piano and PTA volunteering if I kept my house clean.

Emma's Baptism Part 1

I was thinking last night about all the things I could have/should have blogged about this summer. The most important was Emma's baptism. In Mormon-dom when children turn 8, they've reached an age of accountability and decide if they want to be baptised into the church.

For several months we talked with Emma about gospel principles, the importance and significance of taking on the name of Jesus, repentance and baptism. She was ready and excited to get baptised.

The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has no paid clergy, but instead a lay leadership. Every worthy male in the church can hold the priesthood, which allows him to perform ordinances within our church. My husband, Wendell, holds the office of Elder (the most common office for actively participating young adult men) which gives him the authority to baptize and confirm.

Emma was so excited to be baptised by Wendell and it was the first baptism he had performed since his mission in Brazil. It was, perhaps, the first baptism he had performed in English. We were able to have our own program. Emma's Uncle Tyler gave the talk on Baptism and my little sister, Aunt Annie, gave the talk on the Holy Ghost.

It was wonderful to see Emma descend the stairs into the baptismal font (like a large bathtub) and hear my husband baptise her in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Emma didn't do a very sturdy job of planting her feet and her toes popped up so they had to do it again. Her toes came up the second time, but she quickly pulled them back down and my dad and Wendell's dad, who were witnesses, said that she had been baptised by immersion, so she didn't have to do it a third time.

It's a...

Apparently, I am unable to blog in the summer. It's been nagging at me to post something new, almost haunting me every time I looked at my favorites and saw "Blogger" I would get a painful twinge. Well, I'm back and the first order of business is on the baby front.

I'm 6th months pregnant and excited to tell you--we're having a BOY!! Nathan, my youngest son was so excited. He said, "Yesssss!" while pumping his fist, elbow bent. Then he looked around to see if this reaction was OK. Emma rolled her head a little in disappointment and announced, "I'm sticking with Annika." But I think all the kids will be pretty happy about him when he's here.

I have to admit that I am getting increasingly nervous about how young Annika will be when this little boy comes. It's not that I haven't done this before...Emma was 17.5 months when Anson was born and Anson was 20.5 months when Nathan was born. Maybe it's just that Nathan is 5 now and I've had it pretty easy the last 3 years.

Happy Birthday To You...

Annika, who is only 13 months old can sing (in tune) the opening line of the Happy Birthday song. When I try to get her to do it, people don't believe that she can. She doesn't really do it on cue, but after some prodding you can hear her singing to herself, "Happy Birthday, to to..."

She also says "Thank you!"

We Are Not Rabbits

My mom helped me out with Annika at my ultrasound. First of all let me say we have a healthy little person in there. I'm 9 weeks pregnant and my due date is Dec 6th.

It is true that Wendell and I are very fertile. It has never taken us more that a month to get pregnant and this is our second "oops!" My rheumatologist thinks this is very funny. So when my mom had an appointment the other day he said something to her about my being as fertile as a rabbit.

Evidently my mom found that very enchanting. So when we went to the ultrasound today my mom announced to the tech, "Yes, she's as fertile as a rabbit." And when the tech and I didn't say anything she added, "And they're having a little rabbit family."

Pardon me? It's true that I am nothing if not fertile, but a rabbit? Please.

This is as bad as when I'm nursing my babies and they get all chubby and my dad slaps my back and laughingly calls me a heifer. Come now.

I'm so excited about the new addition. Here in my home state 4 kids is an average, not a big family. But even here I'm now graduating from normal to "whoa" and I guess I will have to endure the comments or figure out a comeback.

Do Kids Have ESP?

This afternoon my 7-year-old daughter put her hand on my tummy and asked, "Is there a baby in there?"

I had no idea what to say or do, so I said, "Not that I know of." I don't think I have ever lied so blatantly to Emma. Usually when she asks tricky questions, I give her as much information as she needs and no more. But not on this. I just lied. I'm only 7 weeks pregnant (I think) and I have yet to throw up or show undeniable pregnancy signs. Yes, I nap every afternoon, but I'm also off all of my arthritis meds, which would also make me tired.

I feel like I won't really "know" until May 1st when I have my first appt and ultrasound to pick a due date.

With Annika, we told the kids when I was about 10 weeks pregnant, and that felt pretty good. Not too early, but not annoyingly late either. So depending on the due date we're given then, we thought we'd wait a week or two, then tell the kids.

The Tease

Am I pregnant? It's strange at this early stage. Aside from getting up one hour earlier to potty and needing a nap in the afternoon, I feel the same. Right now the baby is a blob (a bean, one of my friends calls it). It's a tiny nothingness. So it's hard to believe, especially when I don't want to believe.

Yesterday I looked for another pregnancy test (I keep a stockpile), but I'm out and I can't bring myself buy another. When I got pregnant with my third child, Nathan, I demanded a retest at the doctors and the nurse told me, "There's no such thing as a false positive." But I still can't believe I'm pregnant. I'm not huge. I'm not sick (yet). And instead of enjoying that, I wonder if I really am. So I fished my test out of the garbage to look at it again. Maybe some evil pregnancy fairy was playing a joke on me and if I just looked at the test again, I'd discover that indeed I'm not pregnant. But the test hadn't changed. 2 lines. The darker one in the first box showing I'm pregnant.

On Tuesday I Laughed on Wednesday I Cried

On Tuesday, I laughed when I found out I was pregnant again. I laughed and I chortled. I snorted, guffawed and giggled. I called my best friend Emma and we laughed at me. I told my rheumatologist, who threw back his head and laughed. Tuesday was jolly good.

By Tuesday night the reality was setting in. I was pregnant. I had to go through a pregnancy again. In no time, I'll be throwing up. I'll have heartburn, get huge and have trouble sleeping. I'll be exhausted all the time. Granted it doesn't last very long, but it's no picnic either.

And I just did all that. Just. My baby is one and has been weaned for less than 2 weeks. I was looking forward to having my body back. Not having anyone dependent on my physical body. So I cried.

I cried a lot on Wednesday. I called my mom and told her I was pregnant and cried. I told Wendell I needed a day to morn the loss of expectations. It's not that we don't want this baby or aren't excited. It's just that the rest of 2007 is going to be so much different than I pictured it.

The gardening I wanted to do, I may not be up to. The volunteering I was going to do over the next 3 years will be harder to do with 2 little ones in tow, than it would have with one. We have a 5 bedroom house and when this baby arrives, it means that someone will always have to share a bedroom. Silly reasons, petty reasons to be sad, but I had to take a day to adjust to the shock and create a new picture in my brain.

I didn't cry at all yesterday and at bedtime Wendell and I talked about baby names and whether we think this is a boy or a girl. (I think it's a boy. Wendell thinks it's a girl.) I'm looking forward to telling the kids after my first doctors appointment. They are going to shout and clap and jump up and down. They'll pitch in like good little helpers. It will be joyous indeed.

What to Expect When...

So I never had my period last month, but I took a pregnancy test the Sunday I should have started and it was negative. So I didn't worry about it any more. But I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and I have an appointment with my Rheumatologist today, so just to be on the safe side I took another home test.

As I sat and watched, I realized it was forming a line in the first box. The first box should be empty. 2 boxes and 2 lines. Oh, my gosh. I'm pregnant again. I started laughing. Today's Wendell's day off so he was taking Anson to school. When he got home, I called him in the bedroom. "Come here," I said. "Close the door." "What?" he kept asking. I pulled him into the master bath and as I reached for the test I told him.

"Wendell, I'm pregnant."

2 lines. He couldn't pretend he didn't know what that means. As he said later, we've been on this pony ride before. "OK, " he said. "Can we be done now?"

"Yes," I giggled. "We can be done now."

Then I slapped him on his bicep and said, "Be happy! We're going to have another baby."

As my 31st birthday approaches, I was thinking how I needed to update my profile. My oldest will be 8 soon and my birthday is just around the corner after that. But I have a much bigger update. By the end of the year I'll be the mother to 5 kids 8 and under.

They do what at church?

Although we Mormons are Christians, we don't use the symbol of the cross in our churches or homes. We generally, just use pictures of the living Christ. So when we drove past a newly constructed church with a large cross displayed out front my 7-year-old daughter Emma exlaimed, "Is that a cross in front of that church? What do they do--hang people?"

What Money Will Do For You

On Dec 19th Wendell got a promotion at work. The #1 benefit of this job shift was The Raise. Have you ever seen those shows on happiness? They say, "Once people reach $50,000 a year, their happiness doesn't change, despite any increases in income." I have often wondered if that is actually true. But being in the below $50,000 a year club means, the thought is mute. Every time we make more money, we should show an increase in happiness.

So imagine my excitement of being able to join the "making $50K or more a year club. Yee-haw! I'm going to test the theory.

So I have been imagining for the last several weeks, what the first Paycheck will be like. (The one from The Raise.) I've daydreamed about hiring people to help me clean my house, getting a Netflix account, paying babysitters so I can go shopping. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the Downside of the Promotion. Wendell now has to work evenings, weekends and Holidays. They all get off Christmas and Thanksgiving. That's it. So I'm going to need help. That help I'm daydreaming about. But all of that Money, well, it will make my life easier.

Then reality hits.

First, I must declare that I suspected it would take awhile for the Money to come in. I didn't expect it the first paycheck, but probably the second. Oh, no. Not the case. The Rule states: whatever money a finance manager makes in the previous month is what he get paid in the current month. (Shall I remind you that Wendell got his promotion on Dec 19th?) So Wendell's been a finance manager for 1.5 weeks of December. No problem. In 1.5 weeks he made $2000. That's great. There you go. That's all the money you get in the month of January. What?

That's right. The big promotion. All that money...supposedly. We haven't made this little in along time. This isn't anywhere near enough to pay the bills. And this is just as we're going into January and February--the two slowest months in car sales. Yipee. Don't I sound excited.

By the time we get any Money (with a capital "M") we'll likely be so far in the hole.... And it's not like we're not in the hole already. We owe more freakin' money... Ah well. Here's to hole--Cheers!